God is Love

Hi guys! You guessed it, I have a thought.  Actually Doug’s post prodded me to respond. I thought you might like to know my feelings about some of the things that Doug goes through. Yes, we have had some touch and go moments. Mind draining and heart wrenching moments. We are thankful that God has and will always pull us through.  When I first started writing a blog I said you wouldn’t hear from me if I were down. I have sifted through things for awhile now and finally got my thoughts gathered. I’m pretty slow. I don’t think that it probably takes most people this long and I’m a touch lazy. Just a touch. It seems that we have had a lot to process recently.

First I would like you to know that Doug’s depression medicine has really helped him. I have seen vast improvements since he has been on it.  At times it seems that it just has a hard time catching up with things that we encounter along the way.

Since Doug is posting about suicidal thoughts and deep depression I thought I would post on suicide watch.  I have been on it twice since we have started on this journey. I always watch for it, or it’s in the back on my mind.  The first time was when Doug was owning up to his addiction and dealing with the ‘why’s’ in therapy.  Digging up past painful memories was really not helping with his depression.  Doug was just going to counseling at that time, during some of his biggest struggles, his therapist went to a convention. She told him that if he felt more he could handle that he should just go to the emergency room and they would put him on a suicide watch. There he could get the medicine that he needed. Not good advice. He finally got to see a psychiatrist just in time to get some medication.  Then it was just guess work until he finally got the right type and dosage. He is on one for depression and agoraphobia; another one for anxiety and OCD; and another for his ADD.

The only ones he had to turn to was Dusty, Steve and me.  Without their support I do not know if I could have dealt with it. I checked on Doug every 30min. to make sure all was well. Most of the time he wasn’t doing well, but I had to work and could check often enough to put a bandage on his emotions until I could come up at the end of the day. When I came up he would just fall into arms crying.  All I could do was hold him, talk to him and pray until the worst was over. God was doing all the work. I absolutely didn’t know what I was doing but it seemed to help. Praise God.

Lately we have grown. God has given us the strength in dealing with problems that never go away. Chronic pain, depression, workman’s comp, lawyers, child support, addiction. Basically the never ending problems that seem to be in a continuous cycle.  Most days Doug is doing well. Some days he is not. During these times we pray and cope the best we can. I can usually tell when he is down by how he talks. Overly cheerful at times, overly tired sometimes, overly quiet sometimes, just little clues here and there.  Last week was a tough week. We usually get the younger kids every other weekend.  They haven’t come since school started.  They haven’t come since Doug had his slip and used again. They had plans every weekend that they were supposed to come here. Then they just didn’t want to come. That was devastating to us. After thinking about it, I know that we have made mistakes, but it is a two way street. We also know that we can repair the relationship if given a chance.

Anyway back to the original thought. Doug was devastated, as was I. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. What did he have left? No job, depression, chronic pain, no self-esteem, now no kids. He felt that he only had me, and that I would be better off without him and nobody else would care. I knew that me trying to reason with him wasn’t going to work. I didn’t have any positive answers, I couldn’t see the light either. I could only hold him, cry over him and pray. I knew that God was holding both of us and he was going to pull both of us through. Doug felt that for sure if he was out of the picture everyone else would be better off.  I told him that that was not his decision to make. God is the one in control of that. God gives us choices, He doesn’t make us do anything.  If we lean on Him, He will work everything to good. He works everything to good anyway but when we make a poor choice instead of the great thing that God had planned we may just get a good thing instead.

Sure enough the next day was better, not great, but better. We got to see Brian, Carrie, Brandy, Dustin and Karissa, our grand baby. They were having a reunion in Atkins for the Homecoming Queens of the past. Brandy was in it so we went to the game to watch her at half-time.

Brian and Doug are close, he feels love from Brian and respect. Doug needed to feel love. Brandy and Dustin have always accepted Doug and of course just want the best for me. We felt love with them and a little healing. A breath of fresh air, hope.Life goes on. It’s good to be alive.

Then Doug’s dad called and after their talk, Doug felt more love, acceptance and healing. We appreciated the call. Though Doug’s dad did not say it, we felt like he knew through Doug’s brother in law and sister out of love and concern for us. God works in mysterious ways. I got an e-mail from a sister at church that simply said “Are you O.K.? you have been on my mind a lot, and I’m praying for you.”  Just knowing that people were praying for me and that they knew me this well lifted me up.  God is love. He is constantly watching over us. His peace, comfort and healing was, and is, wonderful to feel.

Since God always has a lesson for us, we learned this go around that we need to face our fears. It’s kind of empowering. The kids aren’t coming and still do not want to come see us.  We have some repairing to do, along with building a better relationship. During this time we figure; What’s the worse thing that can happen? They won’t come see us? That has already happened, and we lived through it. Doug had to go back to court for child support. We talked and figured; What’s the worse that could happen? Throw Doug in jail? Even that didn’t seem so bad. Doug actually did not mind if they did. He said that he would miss me, and I would have missed him, but if that was what should happen, so be it. Face your fears and God will see you through. He is the one holding your hand. And no, he did not end up going to jail. The attorney working the case actually understood and told him what he needed from his attorney. The insurance carrier for the workers comp case is AIG, of all things. We are tied up in the beauracratic non-sense while Doug suffers. But God will provide and see us through.

The other day we get a phone call from Doug’s oldest daughter Kati. Homeless and jobless she wanted to know if she could come stay with us, and bring one of her friends. Sure, come on in. This is the same daughter that chose to use the internet to say how terrible her father was. I guess she forgot just how horrible he was. Anyway, he’s O.K. about it now. Never was really upset, just the pain that he had to deal with in the untruth that was mentioned. Sometimes the internet seems to be the way to let everyone know how you are feeling.  I guess it’s like leaving a phone message. You can be really brave and nobody knows until they read it. Then the whole world can give their own opinion. They can all get on the band wagon and join in on the bashing, go 50-50, or a whole lot of different scenarios. I long for the days when you could just have a face to face talk. We are just as accountable on the internet as we are on the phone. Hurt is hurt.  What should be said face to face privately, ends up being public. I guess it’s part of human nature to try and get everyone involved and take sides. I digress.

Praise God for always being with us.  Praise God for strengthening us in our time of need.  Praise God for guiding us and directing us. Praise God for our wonderful family, church family, and friends.  Praise God for everything.

Noreen